Hey there, friends!! I hope that this past week has been kind to you and has treated you well. For those of you who follow me on social media, you probably had seen the story where I talked about how the medication that I’ve been taking for a little more than a month isn’t working and how I am in the process of weaning off this medication before I start taking a new one. Toward the end of that post, I talked about how it’s moments like this that make it really hard to not get disheartened or discouraged. Unfortunately, this is not the first time that I have felt like that. Ever since I saw a Dr. in May of 2019 at Kaiser, I have been taking various pain medications and none of them have helped provide relief for the pain that I’ve been experiencing. Being in pain everyday for over the last year and a half with no relief feels like a very long time. I am finding out that several things can help a person with fibromyalgia, and yet something that works for one person won’t necessarily work the same way for someone else. One of the things that I used to tell my mother when I was a child was that I wanted to be someone who was one in a million. Who knew that one of my childhood wishes would actually become so literal?? The lesson to learn from me on this is to ALWAYS be careful what you wish for.
The thing that I have to remind myself all of the time is that I am only one person who lives with chronic pain. There are so many people out there who suffer from chronic pain. My reality is that this is one of the downs of living with chronic pain. Because this is my reality, it is important for me to be able to go with the flow of where my chronic illness takes me. Some days I need to remind myself that it’s okay for me to cancel the day that I had planned and to focus only on what I need to do so that I can feel better, even if that means that I’ll feel slightly better in a few days. For this to happen, that usually means that I need to distract my brain from the pain in some way. That’s why I try my best to do yoga most days — it’s a distraction from sitting at my desk or sitting up in my bed with my chair pillow. Gra found the pillow that is pictured below while we were shopping at Costco this past winter. I am so glad that he decided to get this for me. It is so soft and I love putting my arms on the armrests when they are tired and hurting.
When living with chronic illness, it is so easy to agree to do something new — accomplishing it though… that’s the challenge. The reason why it’s so challenging is that fibromyalgia is unpredictable and overwhelming. One second you can be fine and your pain scale is about a 7, while the next second the pain increases to about an 8 and you just want to curl up somewhere where it is quiet (at least that’s what I usually experience). Coping with a chronic illness is sort of like watching the way that a river ebbs and flows when the water is flowing downstream. One moment you can feel like you have a handle on the day and the next moment you definitely don’t feel like you do. It’s very easy for a chronic illness to take control of every single aspect of your life. One of the things that I struggle with coping is while I wait for the weaning process of my medication to be over is knowing that I have to live with this very disabling illness and I wonder if I will have to live with this for the rest of my life. Always trying to reach for the impossible (or control the future) can be exhausting and feel like defeat, especially emotionally and mentally. Unknowns (i.e. stopping and starting new medication) are scary and often make me feel anxious. This is where I turn to things like the Serenity Prayer: “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” I really like those words because I think that is essential for coping with the unpredictability that life has to offer.
When I’m experiencing a moment where my anxiety is heightened, I often stop whatever I’m doing and I start writing some notes about why I’m anxious. Then I separate those things into two lists: one is for the things that I can control while the other is listing the things that I can’t control. Instead of only feeling my anxiety and letting it overwhelm, I try my best to focus on the things that ARE in my control. This is where I brainstorm ideas and problem-solve. For example, I AM in the process of weaning off of the old medication that isn’t working for me, and I have made a note for myself on a post-it note to make a trip to the pharmacy to pick up the new medication that I will be taking later this week. I am already taking care of what I can control about this at this point. Wo-hoo!!
I’m already halfway there! Now for the other list: the things that I can’t control. More times than not, no matter what is on this list, I acknowledge there are many things that I can’t control. This where I try my best to be okay with this very scary fact and continue onwards. For some people, this can be a relief. I’m one of those people who think that this is a double-edged sword. This does not relax me, but this does help me come to terms with reality a bit better.
One of the reasons why I am drawn to a daily (at least most days out of the week) yoga practice is because of the breathing exercises. It really does help me cope with the pain that I feel daily and helps makes it possible for me to want to move about. I know how silly this must sound. It helps me keep myself calm and cope with feeling like I’m being stabbed by a bunch of tiny knives all over my body. I don’t just practice breathing exercises while I follow along with yoga videos on YouTube. There are several times throughout the day when I struggle with coping with the pain and I need to stop what I’m doing and focus on taking a deep breath in, then a deep breath out. I didn’t know how much of the yoga philosophy I would pick up on and implement into my daily life when I first started practicing yoga more often than once in a while back about a year ago now. I know that I’m very grateful that I did. The yoga philosophy really helps me with accepting what I can change, what I can’t, and help me figure out the difference.
Thank you so very much for taking the time to read my blog post!! I can’t believe the outpouring of love and support that I’ve gotten for starting a blog. I can’t thank each of you for reading my blog! I can’t believe that Halloween is practically upon us! Even though my fiance and I won’t be going out anywhere this year to celebrate the holiday this year (because of the COVID-19 pandemic), we will be dressing up together and we will take some pictures in the backyard to post to social media. There is no way that I’m going to not dress up on the one day that is socially acceptable to wear whatever you want for the day. Here’s a fun fact that most of you won’t know about me — I grew up reading the Harry Potter books in my adolescent years and I still love them today. I took a test through the Pottermore website a few years ago to see which of the four houses at Hogwarts that I would have been in. I couldn’t believe that I got this result from that test — I’m a Slytherin! And I can’t believe that I’m one of the Slytherins who is surrounded by a bunch of Hufflepuffs for best friends. I stand by the fact that I don’t think being in the Slytherin is a bad thing, nor is it an “evil house”. While there are several characters who happened to be evil characters who happen to be a part of the Slytherin house throughout the Harry Potter books, that does not make all of the people who have been in the house evil or terrible. I think that it’s more of a choice than how some of the fandoms suggest. I like to think of myself as one of the Slytherins who are not bad (personally, I think that I tend to be chaotic-neutral on the days — or moments when I’m feeling better). There is nothing wrong with being ambitious, cunning, and determined. Being any of those things does not make you a bad person. This is why I think that a choice comes into play and it can be easy to go down that path. Anyway, I’m going to dress up with my Slytherin sweater on Halloween and I have a cute black skirt to match it with from when I was performing in a musical during the summer of 2019. I’m looking forward to dressing up this year. What are you going to be doing this Halloween? I hope that you join me in dressing up on Halloween! Please feel free to applaud this blog post (where the hands clap together) and comment down below. I’d love to hear about how you plan on celebrating Halloween this year! I hope that you will have a great week! Stay safe out there! Until next week, my friends! :-) ❤
— Moriah
